


Why Your Best Friend Sucks

by the17thmuse



Series: Hatake Agricultural Adventures [10]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Exorcisms, Gen, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23942254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the17thmuse/pseuds/the17thmuse
Summary: the Reason Danzo and Hiruzen 'Broke Up'
Relationships: Akimichi Torifu & Shimura Danzou & Uchiha Kagami, Shimura Danzou/Original Character(s)
Series: Hatake Agricultural Adventures [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1487342
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Why Your Best Friend Sucks

Contrary to what anyone thought, the 'downfall' of the lone Shimura and the Sarutobi heir's friendship didn't start of with a prank. Rather, it started with a friend's honest concern and really shitty decision-making skills. It was too bad Hiruzen, for all his strengths, skills, charisma and heart, can be quite an idiot sometimes.

A few days after Daizu announced the Matriarch Shiroki's death to all official (and non-official) Hatake, Danzo decided to make a change. (He actually and finally succumbed to Nasu's weaponized puppy-pout begging on their knees and—ahem—no one else needs to know anything more about that.) 

The shinobi forwent with the usual dark shinobi garb and started wearing more traditional robes, ones depicting seasonal color combinations and designs that Shiroki would have approved of. 

It was so unlike him Hiruzen had been convinced his best friend had been placed under a genjutsu. So the Sarutobi heir stalked (pestered) his friend for days.  


( _And this is why Kagami would have made a better best friend for him. The sad thing is, the Uchiha is occasionally too lucky to be made a scapegoat. And besides, Shoga had already claimed him as his second choice of partner-in-crime after his cousin Shinsui._ )

And when attempts of dispelling the 'genjutsu' failed, Hiruzen thought Danzo had been replaced or possessed by _misaki_ or worse. 

#

Danzo did not know how the Sarutobi heir managed to find _Onmyōji_ willing to interact with shinobi and enter a Hidden Shinobi village, much less smuggle them into his house, but he did not find being knocked unconscious, tied up and _exorcised to within an inch of his life_ funny at all.

Not to mention, the sight of _Onmyōji_ heading toward the Shimura Residence in full regalia had done _wonders_ to Danzo's already morally dubious (even by shinobi standards) reputation. He was never going to forgive Hiruzen for that stunt.

(They were all also twice blessed that Nasu had not stayed over there that day, or body parts would have started flying, and not in the good way. Everything Nasu does they excel at: sparring, killing, intelligent conversation, etc., but the Hatake can be a bit...testy sometimes.)

Sadly, Hiruzen is still his best friend and that is why Danzo had been willing to just put the entire embarrassing thing behind and 'forget' about it. ( _He is so going to write it down in his diary._ )

And apparently, said best friend didn't agree to let things lie either.

#

Nasu had just re-clothed and draped themselves over an equally exhausted Danzo when Kagami and Torifu somehow broke through the walls (while playing some weird game of chase involving some grappling and shoving). Which meant that the oafs (or Kagami, at least) must have been using their chakra to reinforce their physical strengths. 

It was the first time the two lovers were caught in their relationship, and by team Madara no less.

Torifu Akimichi had made a joke about their teammate "finally getting some" to Kagami's initial confusion and his embarrassment. The fact that Torifu's occasional ration stashing 'invasions' were the only reason Danzo managed to more or less survive after barricading himself in his sealed panic room during the Exorcism Incident was the only thing stopping him from jumping his friend. And so Torifu was spared.

Kagami, however, was not, and it took a threat of getting dunked in a Koi pond for him to sing like a bird, brandishing a letter like it was a shield: "But it wasn't our fault. Your best friend—" 

"So he's _my_ best friend when he pulls off stuff like this?" Danzo said accusingly.

"Um..." The Uchiha backpedaled and continued,"...He made us bring this as an apology gift! He made it sound like the state of your friendship was on the rocks and that it was a matter of life and death."

And so Danzo opened the letter and took a peek. He then went pale, then flushed red and started shaking, going through shock, embarrassment, disgust, and a little hurt and betrayal.

Kagami and Torifu looked at their teammate in concern.

"It's Lady Yumi Masabuchi, one of the Fire Daimyo's cousins many times removed," Danzo finally forced out in distaste. "She wants me to escort her niece...Ranji", he shuddered, "and her entourage to a relative's wedding in Kuso."

"She's that spoiled woman who won't stop coming onto and touching you, the one who tried to _drug_ and make off with you, wasn't she?"

"Yes," he gritted. "How lucky that things didn't work the way it should have because I was allergic." 

Instead of being knocked out cold and under her mercy, he spent the week sneezing, vomiting and in pain while the lady was (thankfully) kept away in fear of contracting whatever 'malady' had befell him. 

"Since Hiruzen had never seen a girl so interested in me, he probably thought it was...romantic." Torifu mock-gagged beside Kagami, who swatted him. "The big problem is, Ranji and Biwako are _nothing_ alike."

"Hhn."

Nasu, who had been looking over his shoulder, blinked slowly, narrowed their eyes, and became eerily quiet. (Kagami squeaked in the background, suddenly remembering the Daikon-and-Carrot-Maggots-Almost-Crawling-Up-His-Nose Incident that happened _after_ the last time Nasu reacted like that, so he took his Akimichi teammate and bailed. Which left the two lovers to stew in growing violent intent.)

Danzo had been on the fence on what to do about his best friend, but now...Hiruzen is not going to die. He is going to _suffer_. 

Nasu anchored their partner with a tight grip, lest he jump off the rails, and brightened up as the beginnings of a plan made itself known. Yosa is going to enjoy assisting them in this.

(The next month the entire Sarutobi clan woke up covered with fleas.)

**Author's Note:**

> So...it's been a little hard to get into the mood to write with the quarantine and near lack of access to a computer (since I apparently find it really hard to write on paper or cellphone because my brain is a mess and Changeling has not been cooperating at all plotwise.) Here's to hoping that things will get better. Soon.
> 
> **Warnings:** silliness, past exorcism, mentions of attempted drugging and kidnapping
> 
>  **Roster:**  
>  Yumi Masabuchi (superiority snake - gain edge) [優巳 - 増渕] - an old client related to the Daimyo who took a liking to an uninterested Danzo  
> Ranji Masabuchi (orchid govern - gain edge) [蘭治 - 増渕] - Yumi's very spoiled niece who she keeps on egging Danzo to  
> Nasu (eggplant) [茄子] - a Hatake shinobi who is teammates with Yosa Aburame and Shinsui Uchiha   
> Yosa (goodness) [良さ] - Nasu Hatake's best friend, partner in crime and teammate   
> Shoga (ginger) [生姜] - a descendant of Togarashi Hatake who inherited his very rare fire chakra affinity, and works with Shinsui Uchiha in slash-and-burn farming   
> Shinsui (deep water) [深水] - Shoga Hatake's slash-and-burn Uchiha partner in Oni-en


End file.
